Sunday, October 4, 2009

Old Ascent Into Madness from 1999 to 2000...

Okay, so here's my last "blog" from July 16, 1999 to November 8, 2000...
Just as it was, only a little fiddling with the HTML for to change ampersands to the proper HTML code... I guess it worked just fine back then, but that would've been when I used Internet Explorer 3 (2?) and IBM WebExplorer on OS/2...

Wednesday, November 8, 2000

Walking to work this morning a huge flock of birds flew overhead. They were
all in a line, stretching for maybe a quarter of a mile. I saw them when
they were close and tried to see from one end to the other, but couldn't.

Then there was a swishing sound as they were directly overhead, then they
kept going and faded off in the distance.

That flock was followed shortly by two more, but they were both a bit more
raggedly lined up.

Tuesday, November 7, 2000

Ug. I have a headache again today. It's right about time, though,
consistent with my having stopped eating greasy junk food a week and a half
ago. Every time I try to stop eating potato chips and Cheetos I end up
feeling unwell, with headaches and stomach aches... This is no exception.

I guess my almost daily drink of Silk chocolate soy milk and two chopped up
Oreo cookies isn't helping all that much. Maybe I need three cookies in
each glass... At least it tastes nice.

Sunday, October 22, 2000

Wow, today is my father's sixtieth birthday.

This was a relaxing weekend. I managed to not spend too much money, and all
of it on groceries except for a package of four lightbulbs...

Tuesday, October 17, 2000

What a clear morning. The moon is still almost full. It was a shock, I
opened my door to go out and the metal strip on the bottom just glowed with
the moon's electric blue light. Very brilliant.

Walking to work I passed quite a few evenly dew covered lawns, and stared at
the sheen of light reflecting off them. I enjoy mornings like this...

Saturday, October 7, 2000

This morning I got up early to go do some grocery shopping at a department
store. It's only October 7th, but fuck, they already have Christmas shit on

I remember when Christmas didn't start until Thanksgiving weekend, then it
slowly moved to starting the day after Halloween, and then to the Halloween
itself... Now what's this shit with starting at the beginning of

Monday, September 4, 2000

Well, I managed to waste this whole weekend... I guess the time spent at
the office on Saturday wasn't too much of a waste. It was interesting being
there on a weekend, the first time since we moved offices... I'm still
curious what all those thumps were that shook the building.

I enjoyed watching the hawk outside the window. Birds are often fun, trying
ot guess what' they're doing, and imagining being a bird, with the ability
to fly. It must be fun to fly like that.

Otherwise, I watched to many movies on DVD. I've got to stop that, it's
rotting my brain. A few movies are really good, but most aren't, most are a
waste of time. It's rotting my checkbook, too. Fuck.

Reading... If I could force myself to get back into that... Unfortunately,
I'm afraid I'd end up getting into a good book and not be able to quit to go
to work. I'd have to sit at work, unable to read, and that's just like
torture.. I don't know... Fuck.

Tuesday, August 29, 2000

This morning was weird walking to work. Near the office, I felt like I was
out of balance and going to fall off the sidewalk. It was about a block
before I realized what was different. Yesterday construction workers had
removed a temporary fence next to the sidewalk. I've walked past it so much
that its absence felt so weird...

Monday, July 10, 2000

Today was our first day in our new office.

Of course, once home it was time to face the nightmares I'd forgotten about
all day (I think they both slipped my mind somewhere between our old office
and the new one on my commute this morning).

The longest running of the two is that I hadn't been successful getting my
toilet to flush since Saturday night... Yeah, it wasn't smelling so nice in
the bathroom or the hallway (but probably not as bad as your imagine is
running, it wasn't really bad, just a bit...). For some reason, the tank
would not fill with water. I don't know why... So, I got an old chocolate
milk mix tub (some of the junk that should be thrown out) and just used it
to fill the tank manually with water from the shower... Then it worked
fine, and it's been working on it's own since then....

A bit of bleach is taking care of the side effects.

As plumbing problems go, I'll take this one. Not real nice, but it's rare
that I've had plumbing problems that didn't cause disgusting leaks and
spills.... Still... Given a choice, I'll take software problems, because
I'm fairly sure I can fix most of those...

The other nightmare will likely give me nightmares.... When I was watering
the garden outside I saw a slug on the walkway, and was glad it was light
enough to see it, otherwise in the dark I probably would've stepped on it.
And I don't want to step on a slug for two reasons, 1) I don't like killing
things (it just sort of eats at me if I do) and 2) the thought of slug guts
on my shoes and in my apartment makes me retch.

Then I got inside and noticed a dried up slug trail on the towel under my
sink, that I'm sure wasn't there on Sunday... I saw it starting from near
the door, and going to the right of the sink, but not extending either way
too far. I took out the garbage (the bag wasn't close to full, but I wanted
space under the sink). I finally found the slug in the back corner.

For a few minutes I paced around trying to decide what to do. I hate slugs
in the apartment enough I considered using salt to kill it (ever salt a
slug? they just sort of melt). Finally I decided I would use enough paper
towels that I could grab it without feeling it, and maybe enough to not
imagine a slimy, squishy slug in my fingers, and toss it outside.

But... When I got the paper towels and looked under the sink I couldn't
find it again. I moved a few of the old bottles and cans around under
there, but I didn't see it.

By this time I felt like I was running a bit late for work, so I closed up
the cabinet under the sink (which I haven't done for a long time) hoping it
would stay there while I left.

And I didn't really think of it again till I got home. I don't see it.
There looks like slightly more slug trail on the towel than there was this
morning, but I don't see it extending very far in any direction. I have no
idea.... I'm scared, though.

What I need is a pet snake I could let loose. Garter snakes like to eat
slugs, and they're nice enough snakes (they're the kinds I see around here
in bushes and weeds by the sidewalkes).


Wednesday, May 24th, 2000

What a weird morning so far... I woke up earlier than normal, and after
showering, was out watering the garden, around 2:30am, and a woman in black
clothes walked by to dump some garbage in the dumpster. Very unusual to see
someone else walking around at that hours...

After leaving for work, I spooked a black and white cat in the parking lot,
before walking past a drunk couple who were just getting out of their car.
I don't often see others in the parking lot at that time...

Once out on the road there was less traffic than normal, but a huge number
of cement mixers going up Cornell Road, a whole convoy of them. Very
strange indeed.

On Cornell there were a lot of dead racoons. Several right in a row.

And that's just the start of the day...

Wednesday, May 17th, 2000

Last night I dreamt of white rabbits running through portals in the
MaximEyes Rx module to the MaximEye Exam module. Very weird. They were
just running around in the screens and going through the portals.

Maybe I've just been focusing on Rx too much lately, since it's my task to
document every single feature in it and what it does. This is in
preparation for designing the new version, which we'll write from scratch,
so we know what the current version does (but not how it does it, as that's
what we're rewriting).

Thursday, April 27th, 2000

Ug. I'm clumsy today. First I woke up and cursed at the alarm clock, then
in the dark I knocked over the glass of water I've kept next to my bed for
five years (not the same glass, or the same water). I've never knocked it
over before. It spilled and soaked the carpet, and then I was dehydrated
because I didn't get my water... Pani... Pani...

Once I got into my kitchen, I knocked over the plate that was balanced on
top of the can of Folger's coffee, which was balanced on a narrow bottle of
cinnamon powder. Now there are six rupees and 100 pesos scattered on my
counter and in the open microwave...

At the office I dropped my chai mug in the kitchen. Fortunately it didn't

And all that before 5am... Hopefully the day will improve.

Sunday, April 9th, 2000

Well, Surendra has probably reached Pune by now and tomorrow will probably
post the letter I wrote to Archana. I'm nervous about her reaction to my
asking if she has any interest in being more than just friends. I hope she
does. But, every time in the past I've tried this, it's ended up ruining
the friendship. I hope that doesn't happen.

I guess we will see...

Friday, March 24th, 2000

Jet contrails in the moonlight...

Walking on Cornell I heard some kind of screaming bird, and after a couple
of screeches I pinpointed a dark brown spot flying overhead but I couldn't
see any more than that...

Well, today is Archana's birthday. I wrote to her, but she's probably
busy... She got the card I had Ravi mail from India, and said I should've
written a letter with it, which I probably should have...

Friday, February 25th, 2000

Ug, sleep deprivation...

Walking to work this morning a guy in a fancy Mercedes stopped near me,
asking if I wanted a ride, and if I was the same guy he offered one to
earlier this week, which I was. He said "I'm going home from work, I'm a
bouncer in a strip joint... Man I'm fucked up! Had twelve shots in ten
minutes." Great sales pitch for a ride...

Wednesday, January 26th, 2000

We had a masseuse come in to give people (mainly in tech support) mesages
this afternoon at the office. Everyone said they were wonderful, but I
didn't go for one. I figured I'd rather wait on something like that, close,
good, physical contact until I have a girlfriend for it.

Besides, it's not my body I want masaged, but the insides of my head...

Unrelated, I noticed that the person daily searching for the text woodstock
nude photos is now getting this page, thoughts.htm instead of the CD page,
after I first mentioned that search last year in here as a thought. Pretty
funny, methinks...

Sunday, January 9th, 2000

Well, I'm home, and I'm glad. Oregon welcomed be back with wonderful rain
to go walking in this morning. The feeling of getting soaked in the cool
rain was awesome after a week in miserable southern Florida...

Florida wasn't real kind to me. The weather sucked, mostly hot and sunny.
It just isn't right for the dead of winter to be 80 degrees.

My vacation was not great. There was too much tension between various
relatives to be able to relax nicely, and I wound up with headaches every
day and not enough time to vegetate and read books. The TV was on too much
for my taste.

But, Gaby's Bat Mitzvah was good, and that's the primary reason I went. She
did a great job in the service and I'm proud of her. That was the last one
for my generation of cousins.

Tuesday, December 28th, 1999

Ug, today was bad.

Working twelve to eighteen hours a day the last few days, including Saturday
and Sunday, has been okay, because we were getting somewhere, with Ravi and
I learning a bit about Filemaker from Hank, a consultant from the Bay

But this morning I had a hearing about an ex-coworker's unemployment. He
had gotten a subpoena for me to go, so I was absolutely required there,
where he asked me tough questions about the quality of our software that I
wouldn't normally say. I feel really bad.

He left on real bad terms with the owners of the company, and I feel like he
did this more to use me to get back at them than for any other reason.

Fortunately I'll leave for a short vacation tomorrow night. Off to Florida
for Gabby's Bat Mitzvah on January 1st.

Tuesday, November 2nd, 1999

Well, I wonder what I should've done...

Since January I've been writing periodically with a girl named Michelle, who
found my ad in a Jewish singles place on the internet... At the time she
was in Seattle and didn't drive, so that kept things pretty distant... Then
she spent the summer volunteering in Romania, even more distant.

But when she got back she enrolled at Portland State University for a
masters degree... Now that's right here in my own town...

So, we made arrangements to meet at 6:30 this evening, by the computers in
the PSU library, where she would be working on something (that way she
wouldn't be too idle if I wasn't able to get out of work on time).

Well, I got out of work on time (early, in fact, if you call working merely
10 and a half hours early) and went to the library around 6:10. I didn't
see anyone who looked like a slightly older, slighter bigger version of the
girl in the old picture she emailed me, and no one who looked up
acknowledged me.

So, unsure of myself, nervous and being as incredibly shy as I am, I left
and wandered the fringes of campus until I came back to the library around
6:25. I walked by the computers another time, but this time instead of a
lack of acknowledgement, the librarians gave me very negative looks as my
gaze swept the people at the computers, some of whom looked at me, but none
gave a positive acknowledgement.

I walked around inside the library, took another trip to the water fountain
and back to look at students again. This time the librarian waved her hand
to shoo me away.

After that I figured I'd probably better head on out... So, I came home and
immediately called her, leaving her my phone number on the voice mail.

I feel stupid. I feel like whatever I did I should've done something
different. But what???

Friday, October 22, 1999 -- My father's birthday, 59

I saw the foxes again this morning. I saw them first a few months ago, pale
grey shapes in the dark some distance away, and had no idea what they were.
Sort of like dogs, but not really, definitely not dogs.

I saw them two mornings earlier this week, still too far away to get a good
look, with them nothing more than pale, grey shapes darting across the

Ah, but today they were closer, and by different coloured lights. They were
a light brown, and looked like pictures I've seen of foxes. Long, thin
dogs, with sharp, pointed noses. The pair leisurely crossed 185th and hung
out a bit on the field on the other side so I could see them.


Monday, October 18, 1999

It's Monday night and I'm depressed.

I'm just thinking about Radhika, and how soon she'll be landing in a far,
fabulous, almost mythical city halfway around the world, Bombay. From there
she'll take a train through the Western Ghats to get home...

And me? I'll get to the Microtek Building, after walking up Cornell Road,
maybe Evergreen Parkway if I want something wilder. For excitement I
suppose I could take the elevator up to the second floor...


Her journey may be to home, but it's the places my dreams have been taking
me for quite a while (being there once didn't diminish them at all, just the

I guess there's not much to do but work hard to forget my dreary life...

Monday, October 4th, 1999

Ug, it's early. I stayed up too late last night after drinking too much
caffeine at work. Way too much. It makes me hallucinate. After I turned
off the light, I kept having visions of particularly wild and violent
rodeos, with bucking broncos smashing people and themselves against walls.
I'd shut my eyes and see that, then they'd flash open to make it go away.

Saturday, October 2nd, 1999

With lunch today I had the first drink I'd had since mid March. I never
really quit drinking, but for months I just hadn't felt like it, and then
after that I just hadn't wanted to start, but neither did I want to quit.

But a glass of stout with lunch was a nice way to break the long, stubborn,
teatollaing time...

Thursday, September 9th, 1999

The sales pitch for guns that I saw on HREF="">Heckler & Koch's web page this past
weekend is still bothering me.

I've seen a lot of violent movies and thought of sales pitches for violence
oriented stuff, just as a joke, but looking at H&K's web page was sort of
shocking, because it was real.

There could be no doubt that they were selling a lot of those things
specifically for killing people, and no other reason.

The various
submachine guns with sales pitches about how reliable they are, or how they
have attachements for being small and concealable. One had a special
accessory to hide it in a briefcase, so it could be fired right from it,
which can have no purpose but for shooting people. And sound

And what legitimate purpose could a sniper rifle with a sound suppressor

I certainly found it disturbing, more so than any violent fiction...

Monday, September 6th, 1999

Well, I successfully avoided doing cleaning this weekend, which may come
back to bite me, as the apartment inspection is tomorrow. The last
inspection went fine, but I was home for it, so I chatted with the guy doing
it. This time I'll be at work. The last time they did it while I was away
I ended up getting a notice that they'd kick me out of I didn't clean it
within two weeks. The notice actually said "Your Unit is being kept in an
unsanitary condition and could be a health hazard and breeding bround for
pest infestion".

So, we'll see how it goes...

Thursday, August 26, 1999

Today was fun. For Rakhi, a bunch of us wore nice Indian clothes to work.
I wore my silk kurta pajama. The first person in the office, I put it on
early, when I got there, then people started showing up and noticing. It
wasn't for another couple of hours that the rest of the guys dressed up came
in, so I wasn't alone...

Tuesday, August 17th, 1999 -- 5:45am

I saw a shooting star this morning while walking up Cornell. I looked up in
the sky and saw it blazing down the sky, leaving a small trail of sparks,
then it flared brightly and faded to nothing.

When it faded and disappeared it left me feeling scared. Alone and
frightened there was nothing else moving, and no birds chirping, just me all
by myself.

Sunday, August 15th, 1999

Today was India's Independance day, so there was a big festival downtown at
Pioneer Courthouse Square that I went to with Muffi, Amol, Ankur, Surendra,
Satheesh and Prasad. From about 3:30 till 9:00 I didn't get up from the
brick steps I was sitting on.

It was a lot of fun. They had singing and dancing, representing various
parts of India, and it was all fun to watch. Some of the little kids were
quite impressive with their dancing.

I definitely liked this better than American Independance Day celebrations.
India's represented the art and culture of the country, compared to the
American one which represents a war from long ago. And America's
celebrations hardly have anything to do with it, except for fireworks
symbolizing bombs and death, instead of art and culture.

But, this was a fun day and I had a great time.

Saturday, August 14th, 1999

Today was fun. Had my friend Muffi over and taught him how to bake
chocolate chip cookies, which fortunately turned out great.

August 8, 1999 - 8:30am

So, now I've completed three decades. I'm not sure what I have to show for
it, though...

What's been special about this birthday so far is that two friends have
actually remembered it, with no hinting or prompting on my part. That's
never happened before... Thanks, Radhika and Archana!

August 7, 1999

This afternoon I went to Cinemagic and saw a Hindi movie, "Hum Dil De Chuke
Sanam" with my friends. It was a good movie, but like all the Indian movies
I've seen, there are some differences between them and western movies that I
find a bit disconcerting or strange when watching.

The movies change so much between the first act and the second act, and
often it isn't a subtle transition. This movie was happy and cheerful, with
the main characters just playing around, having a great time in the first
act. Then in the second act everyone was unhappy. The transition was one
action, but the mood and feeling was a sudden change, not at all smooth. It
didn't build toward it, it just happened.

This one didn't have much violence, which is good. The violence in Indian
movies seems extremely harsh to me, and makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.
While not as graphic or gory as violence in Hollywood movies, it just feels
different, feels more real, less boundary between fiction and reality to the
violence. In Hollywood movies, no matter how realistic the violence is,
it's still just a movie, but in Bollywood movies, it seems more real, less

Negative emotions are so much stronger in Indian movies, too. When the
characters are angry, the anger comes across much sharper. Part of that
might be that I don't know Hindi, so I just get the feelings without the
words to distract or dampen the strong anger. Maybe... I don't know.
Although, there are a few Hollywood movies that do that, so maybe it's just
that the majority of Hollywood movies avoid such strong emotion and take
everything lighter.

This movie, "Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam" was certainly colourful. I loved
watching the women dance around in bright, attractive clothes. And even the
men dressed in a lot of colour. The feel of the characters in India was
very comfortable, like they were casual and loose. When it switched to
Italy, the clothing of the Italians then seemed stiff and proper, and not
nearly as comfortable.

I liked it. I definitely enjoy watching these Hindi movies.

August 5, 1999 - 6:00am

I definitely feel safer walking around at 4am than 4m.

August 2, 1999

Walking to work around 4am this morning on 185th, my path crossed with that of a man
and his dog. When we got near they stepped off the sidewalk and stood on
the grass. He (the man) said "good morning" as I passed, and I replied with
"Hello". Less than five seconds after he was behind me, he said to the dog
(I assume) "it's safe to move now".

July 28, 1999 - 5:00am

So, how does this moon thingy work?

When calendars show the phase of the moon, what time of the night are they
measuring it at?

This morning I was just observing that while I was making breakfast the moon
was full. Then when I left my apartment there was a small slice missing
from the lower left edge (was that a chord?). Then by the time I got to the
office, it was little more than half full.

So, is this a full, gibbous or half moon?

In other amusements, I notice from my web log that yesterday someone was
searching for "nude photos from woodstock 99" which took them to my CD page,
that has all those words. The today, they were searching for "nude photos
of women from woodstock 99" and that took them the same place...

July 28, 1999 -- 7:00pm

Well, I found out after my coworker got to the office that the whole moon
thing was a lunar eclipse. He'd tried to get up early to see it, but
failed, and I saw the whole thing without knowing what it was...

July 25th, 1999 - 5:15pm


The parking lot outside my apartment is empty. It looks so totally dead out
there. The afternoon sun is fading a bit, and the grass is turning
brownish. It goes with the emptiness of the parking lot, I guess.

July 24th, 1999 - 5:15pm

Ug. I'm still sick. Today isn't quite as bad. Taking most of yesterday
off may have helped a bit.

I did go out this morning to Powell's Books to
shop a bit. There wasn't much in the Sci-Fi section that caught my
attention, which is unusual, but could be because I'm sick and it was too
crowded there so I didn't feel very comfortable. Somehow I wound up in the
regular literature section, which I generally think of as being full of
high-brow, intellectual books and usually avoid unless I'm looking for
something specific. But, walking through a few books did catch my eye, for
titles or covers. I guess that's a great new way to shop for books...

I got home in time to miss a phone call from a friend inviting me to go
along with them to a Hindi movie on the east side. So, instead I took a
nap, didn't answer the phone when it rang, in fact, didn't even come all the
way out of sleep for it...

But it did turn out to be my boss, so later a I called him back, at a
customer site and we tracked down what might've been a problem. I suggested
a fix and I suppose he'll call back if that doesn't work. We'll see,
hopefully it will...

July 21st, 1999 - 9:00pm

I'm even sicker today. It got so bad that I left work after putting in only
a mere eight hour day. I think the final factor that got to me was I was so
stuffed up that I couldn't hear a background office noise that I always
hear, and that was just too disturbing for me.

July 21st, 1999 - 5:00pm

Bleah, health degenerated during the day. I had a meeting that lasted
several hours, and that made it feel like that part of the day never
happened. I'm not sure where it went, it just disappeared. I can remember
most of the meeting, but not all of it.

July 19th, 1999 - 3:50am

Ug. I can't believe I'm at the office already... It sure is early. My
throat is still sore, but not as bad as yesterday, so maybe it won't last

Walking past a field this morning there was something big flying around.
Probably an owl or some other night bird, though I couldn't hear the usual
*swish* *swish* of feathers as it flew, it was fairly silent, like a bat.

July 18th, 1999 -- 1:30pm

I do think I'm getting sick. My throat is hurting badly and hasn't gotten
better all day. *sigh*

July 16th, 1999 about 5:00am

Walking to work around 4:15 this morning from a third
floor apartment I was passing I heard the sounds of a couple making love.
It's really the first time I've actually heard that. The woman was moaning
and saying "oh, oh god, oh god" loudly, but calmly and I could hear it for
at least half a block on either side of that window.

Now I'm stuck here at the office with such thoughts running through my head,
making me wish to be somewhere else. I'm hoping it gets busy soon, so that
I'll have enough to think about to take my mind (er, uh, and other things)
off those thoughts.

I guess this is tied to a discussion I had in email with a close friend
yesterday, in which we both agreed I may be a bit obsessed with work. My
main excuse is that I'm pretty good, so it takes my mind off other

While I've often imagined what it would be like to make love with a girl,
now that I've heard it "live" I'm quite sure my imagination has been missing
a significant amount.

July 16, 1999 - Earlier

When I surf the web, the stuff that appeals to me most is content about
people, since I enjoy people. I'm often captivated reading people's
thoughts, and after one nicely presented one, figured I could start. And,
with something bugging me on my way to work, it seemed time...

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